I'm left with a memory of a Conversation
We had long ago …
After a discussion I'd had with others
In the Speech program
while sitting around with paper cup coffee
in the Basement of Haley Center.
I boasted to you that I, after much thought
(all of, I'm sure, a few sparsely collected moments),
Realized I had 'No Regrets'
Instantly, you laughed at me in disbelief;
'Jacqueline! You HAVE to have Regrets!
I know I do!'
I think in that moment, you Began
the One Greatest gift
that best friends can Give;
You began to accept me for Who I was
And to Love me through my Own
A True friend does that:
Loves you through your Lies to Yourself
because they see Succinctly
How foiled and foolish you Are,
Knowing your Real Truths while
Allowing you to Keep those lies
and gently, Slowly (sometimes for years)
Nudging you to Look behind your Veil …
And Find what's Real.
Loving your foolish contentment
AND your Potential …
I was 22, maybe 23 years old.
Today, I am 49
And I have a few too many regrets.
Although I really have tried, for most of my time, to live
Head-on and Honestly
I regret allowing Someone Else
Persuade my decisions,
I regret because of this
Not Knowing what I Otherwise
would have Known to Do
when I hung up that phone after leaving that message.
I have learned so much about What it is,
To Hurt and Be Hurt
And one of my Biggest Regrets
is How I lost you …
'Call me back and (you) let me know
What I can do …'
(what unmitigated temerity ...)
She and I had been out
I listened to your voice
Telling me that your Dad was Gone
He had died, losing his long battle.
The Mortar under his foot had finally gone off …
I called you back Immediately
and left that Pivotal message.
Never stopping to think why it Was
that you didn't answer …
I'm sure, now, you were
Alone, in your studio apartment,
Having lost The One
who Held your image
of a good Man, of Loving,
of What you held in Highest esteem.
How or Why it took me 13 years
to Realize what I Should Have Done
Shakes me to the Bone
I Should Have
Hung Up the phone
Driven Over to your place
And Been There For You ….
It's what you did for me.
I had lost myself so much already
That I didn't even know to do that.
I think that it Might have not been the message
That Hurt you So ..
It's the Fact that that was All There Was.
A message ….
I Should Have driven over …
Of All the pain I caused Tammy that I wish I could erase,
Leaving you Alone
Is my biggest Regret …