Thursday, October 31, 2013

J 9 OffSuit

Jack of Spades (s), Nine of Hearts (h). A weak connected hand. I'm partial to it for my namesake, but its value as a starting hand is minimal. I have held too much value in this hand for much too long. Js,9s only by nature of its suitedness, is a small amount more valuable. If a straight comes by the River, you may not have the best of hands. If a flush comes, still you have 3 other better hands to sweat out, the Queen, King and Ace of Spades high flushes.

If I'm dealt J9 Suited, I can see a flop especially if it is unraised. Better that I should be in the blinds, already, at worst, half-committed. Most other J9 OffSuit starting hands, especially if raised pre-flop, I'll throw it in the muck.

But deal me the Jack of Spades with the Nine of Hearts, and I get mesmerized thinking I'm going to see a Straight Flush, every time. Intellect, Knowledge and Experience, my quiet, radiant guides, tell me that this hand is no good and that a Straight Flush is not coming. After all, I've only held a straight flush 3 times in 13 years of play.

Long ago, I allowed one of my personal demons to be represented into someone. And the tempting, beguiling promise of that demon was further quantified into a hand of poker that might be dealt to this player, Js, 9h.

Pre-flop in Hold 'em is akin to pre-action in life. Its a brief moment in time, to formulate your story, your reasons for moving forward with the game or not. Its a time that you decide to be honest with, or to lie to yourself. Any action with which you precede after this, is based on the rationale used to convince yourself. If you are going to be successful in this next game, hand or life event; you must belief the story, the lie, the rationale that you sell yourself. THEN it is time to sell it to your opponents. You cannot make a good sell, if you don't believe it, first, yourself.

I once, needing so badly, to believe my distorted rationale of bad behavior, personified the chances of victorious, loving joy into the long-shot of Js9h bringing in the coveted windfall of glory and honor. I convinced myself that holding onto this hand would indeed, one day, pay off and pay off big. And then I sold the idea to my demon.

The demon is truthfully the personification of my fear and weakness in commitment and honor. I PUT that weakness into another weak human who was only guilty of the fear of being left alone and destitute. I created this demon in my own mind, gave it its own life ... in her, and asked it to keep coming around to taunt me. I dressed it up in garments of beauty and seduction, timidness and frailty, daring sultry desires that only I could feed. It was a wonderous power trip. I created the demon, because I wasn't ready or strong enough to look at my own weaknesses. Then I made the demon out to be exactly what I desired. I convinced myself that this demon of weaknesses, was instead a goal of obtainment and a desire of the treasures of my heart. And this weak human that I enveloped into this creation, albeit full of her own demons, was none the wiser for I succeeded in convincing her that holding this hand, would lead to heaven. Because even though I CHOSE to follow a blind eye, I simultaneously knew deep inside that this would never work. It would never lead to goodness for either. But I created this demonic attachment in hopes to bypass the devil, himself, and never have to deal with my own inequities. I hoped to win my way, with this weak hand, into the hall of fame of love, honor and respect. So I kept putting my chips into the pot to convince myself and the table, my world at large, that I had the nuts. All she needed to do was go All-In with me.

I never, ever meant to hurt anyone. Ever. I, for some reason, felt so early in my life that I was never going to be worthy of being desired. And out of the blue, the world turned upside down when she looked my way and wanted me. All of a sudden, I didn't have to face my weaknesses. They were going to be voided out for me by this seemingly serendipitous attraction turned attachment. And no doubt, there was love there. Big hope, big love. Just too much fear and desire for an easy win. But real winning and real love do take work, endurance, mental flexibility and clear sight.

I'm folding Jack of Spades, Nine of Hearts now. I know whenever I’m dealt it, I'll smile, feel a tingle in my heart, laugh, say a prayer of hope for her and toss those cards gently into the muck. Besides, Aces always belong together. You may have to mix up your play with them from time to time to make them successful, but your chances of winning are always best.

I'll always be the Jack of Spades striving for honor and independence. For Clarity, there is nothing wrong or evil or demonic with the Nine of Hearts. In a deck of cards, it only has one fewer hearts than one other card, the Ten of Hearts. I guess its missing Heart is the one that battles our own fear of winning in love.

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