“Call me Back and Let Me Know What I Can Do ...”

I'm left with a memory of a Conversation

We had long ago …

In Auburn.

After a discussion I'd had with others

In the Speech program

while sitting around with paper cup coffee

in the Basement of Haley Center.

I boasted to you that I, after much thought

(all of, I'm sure, a few sparsely collected moments),

Realized I had 'No Regrets'

Instantly, you laughed at me in disbelief;

'Jacqueline! You HAVE to have Regrets!

I know I do!'

 

I think in that moment, you Began

the One Greatest gift

that best friends can Give;

 

You began to accept me for Who I was

And to Love me through my Own

Self-Delusions.

 

A True friend does that:

Loves you through your Lies to Yourself

because they see Succinctly

How foiled and foolish you Are,

Knowing your Real Truths while

Allowing you to Keep those lies

and gently, Slowly (sometimes for years)

Nudging you to Look behind your Veil …

And Find what's Real.

Loving your foolish contentment

AND your Potential …

 

I was 22, maybe 23 years old.

 

Today, I am 49

 

And I have a few too many regrets.

 

Although I really have tried, for most of my time, to live

Head-on and Honestly

 

I regret allowing Someone Else

Persuade my decisions,

My actions.

 

I regret because of this

Not Knowing what I Otherwise

would have Known to Do

when I hung up that phone after leaving that message.

 

I have learned so much about What it is,

To Hurt and Be Hurt

 

And one of my Biggest Regrets

is How I lost you …

 

***********************

'Call me back and (you) let me know

What I can do …'

 

(what unmitigated temerity ...)

 

She and I had been out

Returning home

I listened to your voice

Telling me that your Dad was Gone

 

He had died, losing his long battle.

The Mortar under his foot had finally gone off …

 

I called you back Immediately

and left that Pivotal message.

Never stopping to think why it Was

that you didn't answer …

 

I'm sure, now, you were

Alone, in your studio apartment,

Crying …

 

Having lost The One

who Held your image

of a good Man, of Loving,

Responsibility, Character

of What you held in Highest esteem.

 

How or Why it took me 13 years

to Realize what I Should Have Done

Shakes me to the Bone

 

I Should Have

Hung Up the phone

Driven Over to your place

And Been There For You ….

 

It's what you did for me.

 

I had lost myself so much already

That I didn't even know to do that.

 

I think that it Might have not been the message

That Hurt you So ..

 

It's the Fact that that was All There Was.

A message ….

 

I Should Have driven over …

 

Of All the pain I caused Tammy that I wish I could erase,

Leaving you Alone

Is my biggest Regret …

 

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