Criminal Minds, 2007 Season, Episode entitled "Legacy"
Unfortunately, and surprisingly, I couldn't find a YouTube cut of this. (I was under the impression that you could find just about everything on YouTube ... LOL) Anyway ...
This psychopath unsub is held up in his family's decrepit, abandoned meat packing warehouse, as he sends his freaky subby out to capture the homeless and prostitutes of the city. "...he's a cleaner ...", Agent Derek Morgan relays to Gideon. He is "cleaning" up the city of it's unwanted.
This young woman is picked up off the streets, mid show. She is tired, dirty, drunk or high, or both. She is convinced by the unsub's gofer to get into the van to be taken for the night for someone else's pleasures. For an ill-conceived understanding of $500 payment, she obliges.
Next time we see her she is waking up in this sicko's warehouse, without her shoes, about to begin a desperate hunt through this warehouse-turned-maze for an escape. If she can find her way out, she is told, she will win back her life ... which he, we are told, feels she has wasted. Within the next few moments, she breaks herself through a chain-locked door which lands her on the floor of a sunken room, which is covered in shards of broken glass. Pieces of glass are jammed all in the skin of her bare feet, her legs and arms and her face ... and she is 10 yards from the door on the other side of this room.
THAT is what my depression in it's worse moments has felt like. As if the director of this episode could hear me, or anyone else experiencing major depression for that matter, saying inside:
'... how did I get here?' (...with a million tiny steps, taken after a million carelessly made decisions that were made based on immediate gratification or someone else's needs/desires..., the knower of my knower would interject.)
Before medication, I would have ... could have laid down in that glass and let myself slowly, painfully bleed to death, dehydrated and alone. Pain known, at that level, felt safer than the pain of the unknown, the truth or of effort exerted to save myself. If my concentration abilities had been better to actually think all of that during that point in my depression, I guess I could have answered yes to the S-question at the doctor's office. For if you are letting yourself die like that, couldn't that count as ideation?
Now, this is the point in the show, where I actually felt myself feeling envious of this woman. She has the wherewithal to take her denim jacket off, use it to sweep a path clean, so that she can drag her body close enough to that distant door and jump to the next room and continue her struggle to freedom.
For the first time in weeks, I see that that is the kind of self-preservation motivation that I need and that I can actually muster up now. And the realization of all of this (it all took just a few seconds in my brain, of course) was mind-blowing and mind-altering at the same time; that I could let myself get to this point, that I could compare my path as prostitutional, that I, as the psycho-unsub, could disregard my life that much, and, that I have what it takes ... even though I am alone ... to right myself against this gravity of emotion, and pull myself up from known and familiar pain and move on ... even when I don't know which hall to go down or which door to choose. But I do, now know, that I will see the light of day again.
(c)2010jsblankenship
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin (Hotch)
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