Over the past Months and Years
Wanted to know Where it comes from
How such Peace can erupt into such a disheveled state ...
Well, you are not alone.
I have spent hours, myself
Searching, un-layering
Praying for answers
On what this tantrumatic seizure is
that I fall into;
Spiraling, spiraling
Not down but up until I raise the roof
with Floods from my Tears
and the horrific Sound of my Wailings.
Well, I tell you now,
I tell you all;
It's not desperation.
It's not even sadness.
Sadness comes in soft and moist and peaceful.
It's Anger,
Pure and White.
I'm so Angry that there's Nothing left to do,
but to Rage against the gall!
Irrational, unforgivable
Yet Justified Rage
at a bewildering tormenting Fury
Inside both my Head and my Heart!
Perhaps I should just drop my Code of Harmlessness
and Be hurtful with my words and actions
Like everyone else.
After all, If it never meant anything,
What does it matter now, if I'm hurtful??
You had a problem with me?
Well how about serial,
lack of presence or investment?
I had a problem with that.
I still believe Love is greater than Pride,
so I didn't make it about me, but about us.
Giving hopeful Time to you, to 'work things out'.
You never did.
How, after all you gave away, gave up ...
All the upheaval you caused in your world,
all the Upheaval I caused in mine,
All the upheaval and hurt We caused
In theirs ... could you not at
Least give similar energy to something with so much promise?
Relationships are more than a 2 way street;
Very complex. What you look for and think you need,
You have to bring forth by being active in that relationship,
or it won't truly exist.
This Much I Have Learned!
Relationships are more than a 2 way street;
Very complex. What you look for and think you need,
You have to bring forth by being active in that relationship,
or it won't truly exist.
You say what I did or didn't do,
"wasn't enough", well you did nothing but shove and cling;
Therefore, what you were looking for
Could Never come to Be.
But, In the End, The Punch-Line of the Joke is:
I'm really that Angry at Me ...
(rocket science, huh?)
In 1993, I wrote the Following. Even though it seemed to be about my Mother's illness and impending death, It never, ever seemed to fit. It has stuck with me and very subtlety gnawed at my attention that it was about something far more personal. I now know it was my soul speaking to my mind about the disappointment I feel and confusion I get caught up in when I'm angry. I am so much more able to handle my anger in everyday situations, but when directed at someone I love, at someone of whom I have too many expectations, I still loose control ... (my match stick breaks ...) One day, and it feels imminent, I will be able to handle and express that anger appropriately, as well.
FURY
My tears have many colors now.
Fury holds me and shake me
to the bone.
It won't let go ---
I drown.
The tears go up and out
Not just down my face;
So I am surrounded
and cannot breathe.
My tears have many colors now,
Red and Violet, Flame and Rain
The floods they make
could not begin to quench
my thirst for warmth and safety.
I am running from the mayhem
to organized insanity
to save myself from me.
My tears have many colors now.
And they are each a key.
Once cried, once turned
a place never to be returned.
So how to use this Fury
without turning you away
A possible birth
an imminent death
Neither one I wish to hurry.
Can I howl and bay with this;
Embrace my Fury strong,
And brush these tears now,
from my palette …
to paint this death
back into life.
(c)1993jsblankenship
(c)2010jsblankenship
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