The songs above are some of the most beautifully written and simply mystically composed songs that I love so much by one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Dar Williams. I was fortunate enough to see her perform last week. I am finding myself more and more happy about my decision to stay here where there are so many diverse and accepting people and venues such as that one where one can enjoy favorite artists for free!
I am moving into a period of development, now. And I catch myself at times, lately, simply overwhelmed at the Beauty of Life, the Richness of the Air around me, the literally Tangible Essence of God around me. And those moments seem to linger like the good sort of heaviness that a Long Drink of good wine will as you savor in your mouth just before you swallow it into your throat.
I am Developing. Finally again, Developing. Something ... No, THE THING that I was longing for so, achingly back 3 years ago, that I had become stagnant, and simply existed. I saw my life in front of me Packed away in decrepit cardboard boxes and crates. Ghosts among us, was what I felt, as I walked around a House some said was mine. Two separate lives living in one body. The real Me, left under-developed in those boxes in a thousand pieces. And my Clone, walking around in a position that I didn't quite understand.
Something, someone, God perhaps ... said to me: '... it's time. Its time to wake her and help her get back to life. It's time the two of you lived as One...'
So, against my nature of caring for the needs of others before my own (my Mistaken nature, because truly, no matter how caring for a person someone is, it is Not Human Nature to care for somebody else above your own needs ... its in the Divine Love of God inside us, that if we are in Relationship with, We learn to balance those two levels of care. ... I had yet to learn that ...) I took a step into that Cave where those boxes and crates full of me were stored, and I started that process of unwrapping Me.
Unwrapping Me became more a job of UnRaveling Me. It has been said that Once you take a Step of Faith into the direction of Truth, that the Universe mystically opens up for you. Well, the Universe opened, but it also seemed to Shift unexpectedly as the Ripple-affect of all this UnRaveling affected so many others. And we are all still either searching, digging, repairing or closing a blind eye to it and moving on.
The unraveling continued. It went on and on; through trying to relate to the outside world, through trying to salvage a couple of Souls Afloat from wreckage, through trying to lead, and entice following into two separate jungles of loss and Hope. A path that, initially was Common Jungle to both, finally came to a proverbial Fork in the Road. And Layer after Layer, the UnRaveling continued.
First, off came the dead skin, followed by all the familiar outer-identifying parts of me. I started to look different, even to myself in the mirror. I was losing all that made me feel human, or even alive, for that matter. My vision, now, looking back, it all seems like some grotesque computer-generated deterioration of a man-turned-monster scene in a horror movie, as I peeled back the layers of my life. In other words, It Was Not Pretty.
I once had a job in a hospital that was dedicated to patients who had respiratory problems and 80% of them were on ventilators for their breathing. I remember saying, " ...I didn't know you could be THAT sick and still be Alive..." Well, I progressively spiraled down into a "Major Depressive Episode" once all the layers were stripped away.Well, "...I didn't know you could be THIS DEPRESSED and still be alive..."
One lost weekend late night, when the tears had faded into dry-heaves and finally subsided; I literally whispered out to God the barely believed helpless plea: "HELP ME..."
And I fell asleep.
Literally, without knowledge, without strength, without Hope, without functional ability ... things began to start to turn around that next morning. I truly, had no cognitive memory of that prayer ... But I know now, that God had Heard Me. God had reach down and touched my soul, my heart, my brain and my body. He had waited all that time ... all that wasted time ... for me to Remember Him, to want to be With Him.
I remember posting here something about a picture I had about effective depression medication and how that image was opposite of what I felt. I re-post an excerpt:
It is what my depression in it's worse moments has felt like. And I praise God that it is over. I am {and I can say this with confidence} Recovered. I am now, as I said, in the process of Development. Having stripped away the old, dead and non-functional parts of my self. Learning to replace them with Healthy patterns of thought, communication, trust and behavior. Learning to use my Heart AND my Head and my Body to support my Soul. Learning to trust God and His Universe that I will be safe and that I am InCredible and Able to Know and make the Right Decisions for Me with His help.
There was a time during the Turn, when, once again Dar Williams' words caught my attention and help me to put one foot forward. From her "After All" (http://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=Z0m-4t-Wx9Q
' ... and when I chose to live, it was no joy, it's just a line I crossed. I was not worth the pain my death would cause, so I was not lost or found ...
' ... and when I chose to live, it was no joy, it's just a line I crossed. I was not worth the pain my death would cause, so I was not lost or found ...
And now there IS real Joy. It's not that I'm always happy, God knows.... I'm mean, really, I'm a Scorpio, I'm southern, and I was born in November. I'm saturnine by nature, melancholy can at times be a hobby for me! But I have this life force inside me now. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. The only way I know to define it is with the words: Joy, Peace, Life, Acceptance, Love and God - Yahweh. And it is good.
Why did I write this for so many to potentially see? Because depression is evil and it, like so many misunderstood diseases can be a Silent Killer. And nothing is worth ending this gift we have in Life. This is a testament to understanding, to strength, to Me, but Ultimately to God, who Heard me that night, who still does ... just as He promised He would, and put His hand down on me and saved me. He has sent so many Angels to my side who have either simply waited on me to heal, who have held me while I tried to walk again, and most recently who are kicking me in the ass to keep going and going until I reach that next goal of Whole Life here on Earth.
There is a link to the right and above that takes you to the TWLOHA website. Visit it, read, donate, purchase ... it's an important resource and movement in light of our world today. To Write Love On Her Arms, instead of self harm. "...Love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions ... we are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world to stop the bleeding ..."
Yes, There is Beauty in the Rain, Yes, With Love, You are My Family, Yes it Heals, Yes, I have fallen more than 7 times, but thankfully, I have stood one more time than that. And you can too.
Thank you for reading ... Peace be with you.
(c)2010jsblankenship
Why did I write this for so many to potentially see? Because depression is evil and it, like so many misunderstood diseases can be a Silent Killer. And nothing is worth ending this gift we have in Life. This is a testament to understanding, to strength, to Me, but Ultimately to God, who Heard me that night, who still does ... just as He promised He would, and put His hand down on me and saved me. He has sent so many Angels to my side who have either simply waited on me to heal, who have held me while I tried to walk again, and most recently who are kicking me in the ass to keep going and going until I reach that next goal of Whole Life here on Earth.
There is a link to the right and above that takes you to the TWLOHA website. Visit it, read, donate, purchase ... it's an important resource and movement in light of our world today. To Write Love On Her Arms, instead of self harm. "...Love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions ... we are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world to stop the bleeding ..."
Yes, There is Beauty in the Rain, Yes, With Love, You are My Family, Yes it Heals, Yes, I have fallen more than 7 times, but thankfully, I have stood one more time than that. And you can too.
Thank you for reading ... Peace be with you.
(c)2010jsblankenship
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