Mother

Motherless Daughter


Childless Mother


I have been one of these
at one point or another throughout my life


Now,


I am Both, at Once.


I, with my overly acute Ability
to Read a situation
and skill in 
prescribing the appropriate behavior


in Myself


To Keep the Balance;


So, that things don't get '...Too Way Out...'


That was my Mother's pat phrase
that She would Use
to Reel Me In
if I became too invested in showing,
or even, Feeling 
any emotion ... "too much".


I didn't even realize when I was 5,
Six, 10, Seven, thirteen or even 17;
that she was Dictating to me,


That She WOULD NOT
be asked or expected 


to 'handle' anyone's emotions
(ever again).


I didn't know that was what she was telling me,
And Yet, I Did .....


God, didn't I know it ...


That is when I started honing my skills in
Anticipating situations,
Especially Emotionally Charged Ones,
so I could Put the Wall up,


Don the Armour...


And Intellectualize the Situation
into a Problem to be Figured Out
And ultimately fixed.


(does this sound familiar to anyone out there
who knows me?? WELL .... I'm just figuring this out
for myself .... so, apologies to those who I worked 
this shit out on ...)


So, my brain got Big
My Heart got Small


My Brain learned to "Brother" my Heart
Protect it
Sheild it ....


When Her Mom got Lost in Her emotions when
Her Son never returned from THE WAR,


My Mom took care of all the things that her mom couldn't.
She ...
Ran Away,
Birthed,
Ran Home,
Hit the Love Jackpot,
Lost her Own Son,
And Threw her Emotions away ...


She Would NOT get lost like Her Mom had Done.




I actually believe that I was born
with a HUGE HEART,
But was taught, skillfully
To Hide it.


I Brothered my Heart
I fathered my Brain
And I mothered every Weak Soul
That came into my Path ... or even NEAR 
my path ....


Momma's Boys at school in first grade
Momma's wanna-be-boys later in life ...


I was so good at Deflect and Coddle!
When I should have been mothering MYSELF ....


And Here's the Real Kick in the Ass .... :


When I was depleted of mySELF
and No Longer able to Feaux Mother anyone who would
take, take, take ...


A nudging from God came along
to someone Else ...


In order to Get my Attention.


She talked of being a Balance
for my Fear of Heights ....


I don't think I was ever truly afraid of heights;
It was emotions that would make me flutter and fly
That I feared.


She loved my Words
But she also saw my Heart
My Child-like Heart ....
And Love it too


And I mistakenly thought I had been saved.
Thankfully I had been seen, then Loved
But not Saved .... I think maybe the thought of 
Being my savior scared Her more than Anything.


So Why did she Elicit all those Raw, ImBalanced
Emotions in me??????


Because, for the First time in my Life,
My Heart was Awake and Warming
to the Potential
at Finally
Being Mothered ....




I wanted you to Mother my Heart ....
I get it now.
Even though it was a part -- a Natural part --
Of my Development, albeit Delayed;
I am sorry that That is what I needed when You came along.


And, by the way ... ?


You did a fine job.
And so Did my Mother
For what you both had to Deal with ....


And too also ... ?


I'm doing a pretty damned good job, Myself
Given what I have had to Deal with ....


And, so the Beat Goes On ....


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