But Still I Cry ...

I just never knew that Saying Goodbye
Could really be that Hard.
Now that I am the One doing the Leaving.

All My life,
I have been left, by someone or another.
I'm truly not trying to be Dramatic
or have a Pity Party ...

I am seriously working on
Trying to get over the Hurt
the Pain,
The Fear
and the Mis-Trust in people
Who may eventually Leave Me
Because of how So many People did
When I was Young.

Most of them Died ...
It couldn't be helped.
But I can't get over
Not being Warned.

Eventually,
My fear and mis-trust
Leads to what amounts to
"Badgering the Witness" enough
that they have No Choice but to Run
From me Screaming: "Enough"!!

And the Leaving is Never Sweet....

My Heart Remains Broken
My Resolve Weak,
Although I have made it this far
and am stronger, wiser
and No Longer Fear that I will Leave Myself.

But still I Cry ....

"Eventually, we become the Villain in our own Life Story..."

And that is surely what I did.
When I Left One That I feared
I couldn't Love Enough.
There was a Moment,
'...there is Always a Moment...'
When I knew I could choose ...
To Go out that Door,
Tell her, I'll get my own coffee and Ride ...
And come back in To My dedicated Life.
But I didn't.

And in my Sorrow
That wells up inside, and
Overflows as Tears streaming down my Face,
I Still can't Forgive my Self
For What I Did and Didn't Do.

********************

For all the Peace
And all the Laughter
And all the Beauty that I possess;
The Intellect, the Kindness That is Me,

I must be Full 'as a Tick'
with this Sadness.
I imagine One who gets Close Enough
Can all but Feel the Waves about to Burst through My Heart.

And they know that They Can't tame it,
Can't hold it Back
And Certainly Fear that they Will
Never Find Me or Themselves in the receding Tide
Once its Over.

But I've Been there for Them Both
So many times.
When They were at they Worst.
Held Them and Wiped away their Tears
Led them to Bed, Tucked them In
And Waited until they were Calm.

I simply Need a Shoulder to Cry on
Someone who knows me To Hold me
And Let me finish This Grief.

Why is that so much to Ask
Of one Who once Loved Me?

I Need No Answers
I Crave no Explanations.
I just need to Cry and Let
Someone Be there for Me.

(c)2010jsblankenship