I can't remember saying 'Okay'
I can't remember being able
To express my self
The way that Comes Naturally,
To ME.
I remember the Fun
I remember the Risk
I remember the fabulous Attention.
I remember feeling Special
I remember loving being A Part of,
But feeling as if I was looking
Over my shoulder as what
I had chosen to be Apart From,
became smaller and smaller into the Distance.
And I remember feeling A Part of
Only when we were Apart from
The Others.
I don't remember Being Able
to Say 'Okay',
Or 'Not'.
And then, there was "The Moment"
The One in which I did choose, for myself
And felt my self Exhale.
What ever she saw,
In a rare gifted moment of Insight,
Was Real.
And, Indeed, There was some Saving done.
And So Thank You is what I will Leave it all with.
For my displaced Anger
Hurt too much; and I am sorry.
But it Lives No More.
Only Good Wishes ... From my Hearts.
There's a Place I will Always Love Her,
And
There's a Time I will Always Love Her
In My Heart,
Out of My Head,
3 weeks of Rapture,
8 years of Love and Trust,
Out of my Hands,
Part of my Story.
Regrets,
No Regrets.
I was Villain, Princess and Jack of Hearts.
And So it Was ....
{I am taking My mind Off of Yous}
(c)2010jsblankenship
4 comments:
I like this. It's very heartfelt. i've read it a couple times and the story seems unique, been trying to guess who "she' is.
The post's title is a play on the first line of the song posted on top of the blog. Kind of like what Walter Kroncite would say at the end of his nightly television newscast: "And that's the way it was." (i don't know if that pre-dates you or not!)
The song itself, is the theme song from the 2004 film: "Closer" -- which confessedly, to me that title is the very opposite of any of the relationships portrayed therein. But the them of betrayal and. drama certainly apply to this and many of the postings on this blog. That fact alone makes MY title of my OWN blog a misnomer, as it has not been a Simple Path over the past 2 + years!
I betrayed another for something I wanted by way of another person. The "shes, hers, and yous" in this writing are the 2 loves of my life to the point at which I learned the love of my life should first be myself. I have finally let be what is in my heart be, let go of the anger, the guilt, the "addiction" to perceived love and let reality take Its place in my history and in my present.
It has been a long, hard and scary road but I am solid and peaceful and joyful again. And honestly? I wouldn't trade any part of this journey except the hurt I inflicted on both in not being myself, and eventually struggling to regain myself.
Thank you for reading and asking. (you probably got more than you were asking for, huh? ;-) )
I do remember the Walter Cronkite saying, though I was young. I haven't seen Closer so I don't know the song, but I could look it up.
That is a good explanation for a story many of us may have. I don't think there is such a thing as a simple path in life. However, we gravitate towards the simple path which often can be harder in the end. When the true simple path is that which takes years to figure out, because we are hung up on societal expectations and fitting in. I'm not saying everybody does this... at all, just some of us who screw up the more simple path.
I whole-heartedly agree with you! That is one reason solitude even in the context of any kind of relationship is so important. Learning to keep it and to allow it is vital. I am certain that my blog is named such as more of a stated direction than an arrived-at destination!
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