Dawn Breaking Through

"For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, {and human mind}, sold into slavery under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but do the very thing that I hate, {which is, beat myself up in my mind}. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me, {sin being the temptation to continue to let depression overshadow, overtake my soul and my trust in God, my joy}. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me, {and I think that I'm complex! I don't hold a candle to Paul! -- where in this statement is MY responsibility??}. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God in my  inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members {i.e. the synapses of my brain}. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with my mind I am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh I am a slave to the law of of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. ~ Romans 7:14-8:2 (NRSV)


'Early morning ... and I'm up before the dawn ....' So much rest and reflection that I awoke at 4 am and felt good. Finally, I felt welcomed in my own space. Another hard weekend. Lost time, as a friend told me. You truly can't get that time back, it's gone. And I truly don't want to waste any more time. I now know, that my time away from Home, was not wasted and it Did have many purposes. Many paths lit, many issues enlightened, many wounds healed. In a way a blessing in the midst of collapse and devastation. I am finally grateful for the care bestowed upon me. One of my tasks, now is to learn to care for myself, my soul and my body the way I was shown that I should be cared for. One of the many things I've learned from my experience away, is; '...know when to walk away...',  '...never play the game to long...', and '...a lady, always knows when it's time to leave...'. But neither one of us knew that for so long.

And NOW I KNOW, that I am finally grateful that somebody else finally realized, it was time to leave. FINALLY, my anger has subsided and left me peace. I am still paralyzed about the future.  And still, so fragile to harshness and unkindness. My time at home was more than the blessing I had asked for!! GOD IS SO GOOD. He truly does answer and let me in when I knock!! My cup surely did runneth over. I was recognized, held, treasured, cried over with Joy, filled with laughter and love! I was respected in intellect and heart. I was challenged and forgiven. I was hoped for and invited. I was desired. I was loved. I was remembered and accepted for who I was, who I am, who I am becoming and who I still am. I was given beautiful sights to see, awesome sounds to hear, rest, easiness, good food and wine. I was reminded of what strength is and what easiness feels like. I know I have a place in this universe. But that place can be anywhere on this earth.

When I returned, I was instantly reminded that I have not made up my mind to give to myself all of the things that God gives me and has always given me through the people I surrounded myself with on my trip. What I have yet to decide, or feel or discover is; can I truly do that any place on this earth. Is the secret to my happiness being back where I feel comfortable??? I'm afraid it's more work than just packing up my stuff and heading back to the 'Ham or the ATL, for that matter. It's my work of a lifetime, that I am faced with. How to be all those things I experienced at home, at home in my soul. SIGH.......................................

Today, I feel capable of this challenge. And that is good enough for today. Amen!

Today, I will Love, Honor and Respect Myself. Amen!

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